


Religion Talk

by Adrastiana



Category: Compilation of Final Fantasy VII
Genre: Gen, Humor, Inappropriate Humor, Religious Discussion, Religious Humor, Sexual Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-28
Updated: 2018-10-28
Packaged: 2019-08-08 20:25:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,070
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16436195
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Adrastiana/pseuds/Adrastiana
Summary: Reno and Rude are drinking at a bar. Reno starts bringing up religion and what it would be like if he were extremely religious.





	Religion Talk

**Author's Note:**

> All you do to me is talk talk.
> 
> When you can't use the working title... I couldn't think of anything so I went the most obvious description of the scene possible. This became a trend. x.x
> 
> I think it's obvious what reality show inspired this. Although I went a bit extreme.

"Hey Rude?" Reno asked, playing with his empty beer glass as he waited for the waitress to come back and refill it.

Rude looked up from his whiskey. "Yeah?"

"What do you think it would be like if we suddenly caught religion?"

"Caught religion?" Rude answered, slightly amused at Reno's choice of words. "I wasn't aware that it was a communicable disease."

"Yeah," Reno answered with a laugh. "It's like the clap or something."

Rude shook his head and took a sip of his drink, relishing the alcoholic heat as it went down his throat. "Some people would be very offended to hear you say that, red..."

"Are you offended there Rude?"

A small laugh escaped the bald Turk. "No. not really. Just saying..."

Reno shrugged. "Well I don't see any reason why I need to watch my mouth anyway. People just need to grow thicker skins, that's all."

Rude only had one word to say about that. "Tact..."

"Screw tact! People need to get pissed off sometimes. It's good for them."

Rude shrugged. "I guess so..."

"And where the hell's that waitress?" Reno said, far too loud. "I've been beerless for almost five minutes now!"

"That must be a new record for you..."

Reno was about to reply when the waitress came to their table carrying a tray. "It's about time," he said with mild annoyance. "Leave the pitcher this time ok?"

The waitress, a hard looking middle aged woman, said nothing as she put the pitcher down on the table along with another drink for Rude before walking back towards the bar.

"Nice lady huh?" Reno laughed, pouring beer into his glass. "Anyway, about that religion stuff."

"what about it?"

"Well you gotta follow all these stupid rules. I hear you can't jack off because it's a sin."

"Where did you hear that one?"

"Saw it on TV."

"Then it must be true...," Rude answered with mild sarcasm.

"Very funny. But these guys were serious. I mean... How the hell... Can you imagine that? Never ever masturbating? They said it was ungodly to spill seed and pleasure themselves or something. Because sex is just for procreation. More like recreation if you ask me," the red head added with a wink.

"Strong wills..."

"Yeah," Reno replied. "Or erectile dysfunction and they just don't want to admit it. I just wonder how they take a shower or aim when they have to take a leak."

Rude raised an eyebrow in response.

"Think about it," the red head continued. "They aren't supposed to touch themselves man. Ever!"

"Reno, I'm pretty sure that only applies to masturbation and not personal hygiene."

Reno shrugged, gulping down a good amount of beer. "Yeah I guess that makes sense. But holding out 'til marriage... Damn I think I would have exploded by now!"

Rude laughed softly. "Then by now you would have to had married every girl you were hot for. And be taken to the cleaners every two weeks when you wanted a divorce..."

Reno shook his head. "Nope. That's not how religion works, Rude. You aren't supposed to get divorced. So I'd be stuck with the first tail I started chasing. With our two dozen kids. Forever."

Rude raised an eyebrow. "Two dozen?"

The red head nodded, gulping down more beer. "Yeah. Didn't you see that TV show about that family that has like 27 kids or something?"

"No," Rude said casually sipping his drink. "Can't say that I have..."

"Well they are really really religious. And they don't believe in birth control! Can you believe that? They believe that it's up to God to decide how many kids they get. All I can say about that is... Hotdog down a hallway man. Hotdog down a hallway."

The bald man laughed mildly. "I think you are carrying things to extremes. And I can't imagine you with that sort of lifestyle."

"Yeah. I can't take care of 27 kids. I'd probably need like five extra jobs just to break even."

"I don't think you could even keep track of one..."

"Yeah," Reno laughed. "I'd probably lose him and then have to replace him with a similar looking kid before my wife noticed."

"Just like with hamsters and goldfish..."

"Yeah," Reno laughed. "You see one kid you've seen 'em all."

"Heh... You could always pray for more days off."

"Yeah. There you go," Reno answered, finishing his beer. "And you could pray for hair. You know, for the ladies."

Rude only shook his head and finished his drink.

"I guess you wouldn't look right any way other than bald," Reno said, shrugging. "Some girls like bald men. I wonder if Tifa does..."

Rude nearly choked on what he had already swallowed. This caused Reno to laugh and wink at him.

"Yeah. She probably prays for a brave and bald knight to rescue her. So she must be religious. And want 27 kids."

"I don't think so...," Rude replied, still feeling uncomfortable.

"I guess 27 is too much." The red head mused. "And if baldness is genetic..."

"Are you through with the bald jokes?"

"What if your baldness is sexually transmitted?"

"It's not," Rude answered, slightly annoyed. He had heard every bald joke in the book hundreds of times over. Reno really needed some new material.

"I can't imagine Tifa bald," Reno said.

"Enough bald jokes. Weren't we talking about religion?"

"oh yeah. Some monks shave their heads."

"And some Rudes leave this bar and go elsewhere."

"Ok, ok. I'm sorry. Don't leave me," Reno pleaded, trying to look apologetic. He was really overacting. Some people were looking at them strangely and Rude knew what they were thinking. It was rather embarrassing.

"Don't cause a scene, red," Rude sighed. "I forgive you. This time."

"You forgive me every time."

Rude shrugged and quietly flagged down a waitress for another drink. This time it was a younger, pretty girl who was probably just old enough to work here. She blushed when Rude gave her his order.

After she had left Reno stared off in the direction she had went looking rather disappointed. "How come you got the pretty waitress and I got Nurse Ratched on her weekend gig?"

Rude smirked slightly. "Must be the baldness. Ladies dig the dome."

Reno stuck his tongue out and went back to his beer. When that waitress came back he'd ask for her number. Hopefully she dug red heads too.

_~Fin_


End file.
